A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[pitzerwm]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health cl*** at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: ONE for
Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool," says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers:
TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a
sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied -- "Those are for the
married men --
ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

:)

[pitzerwm]

http://forum.autocareforum.net/images/misc/Funny-2-Image.jpg

[pitzerwm]

Compliments to Jim Holve

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said,
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

[MEP001]

More airplane humor:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Cannot raise landing gear while aircraft is on the ground.
S: This is not a recommended procedure.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[MEP001]

http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/9690/dearmiriamxm3.jpg

[pitzerwm]

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad habits and traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows. "But what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... You can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

[pitzerwm]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
"Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to ;watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 223 at Riverside Methodist Hospital

[pitzerwm]

Sad News:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.




Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make them smile.

[MEP001]

I remember this one from Leno: When Gene Rayburn died, in lieu of flowers mourners were asked to send ______ .

[timmer]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb:
2; but we have no idea how they got in there. Timmer

[pitzerwm]

VACATION

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Earlene got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[MEP001]

What's a "vacation?"

[rph9168]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on
Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug
to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the
woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my
mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness,
she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything
I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin;
and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a
better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

[pitzerwm]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

[rph9168]

A man came to visit his grandparents and noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch in a rocking chair wearing nothing but a shirt...nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see" he said. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" The old man slowly turned and looked at him and said "Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmother's idea!

[pitzerwm]

The Flight Crew


The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .
?
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"




?????????????????
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." ?
?
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
?
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."



"It's The Box Office."?

[pitzerwm]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went
well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[pitzerwm]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passengers
that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What
a good place to be today." He boards, but doesn't see the Pope, so he
figures that maybe the other
passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there's an
empty seat next to him. Just before the doors close, the Pope enters the
plane and sits next to
him. "I am surely blessed," the man thinks. "Here I am, a good Catholic
on a flight with the holy father sitting next to me."

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers remove their seat
belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to
take out a crossword
book. "Marvelous," he thinks, "not only am I blessed with the Pope sitting
next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help."

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the
Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. Later, the Pope turns to him and
says, "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can
help me?"

"Anything, your eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally, he says, "The
only word I can think of is 'Aunt'."

The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

[pitzerwm]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

[pitzerwm]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[pitzerwm]

http://forum.autocareforum.net/images/misc/Outlook.jpg

[MEP001]

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/3904/handsfreeog7.jpg

[pitzerwm]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[pitzerwm]

Who's Yo Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or
putting it another way.. Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms.

Be sure to check out # 11. It takes 1st prize and # 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and
that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same
to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.. well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one makes you
fart.

[rph9168]

The owner of a business in Miami was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Miami and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Happycarz in AZ]

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a
week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in
the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin? but liars!!!"

[MEP001]

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin’ but liars!!!"
Reminds me an old and fairly long-winded joke, with the punchline:

One juror turned to another and said "Y'know, a good goat'll do that."

[rph9168]

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left
my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.

I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused,
but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said,
"You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too."

[pitzerwm]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink ONE liter of water each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than ONE kilo of E.coli bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo or 2.2 lbs of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water=Poop, Wine=Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine & talk stupid, than to drink water & be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm passing this along as a public service, because some of you have been 'drinking way too much water'.

[pitzerwm]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."

[MEP001]

http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/7259/septictrucksignam3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Check out the plate number.

[pitzerwm]

I like the "slogan" on the truck!!!

[pitzerwm]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the heck?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.

[MEP001]

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.
That one reminds me of the man who was yelling at his wife for spending a lot of money on breast enlarging cream. "Just rub toilet paper between them," he said. "Look at what it's done to your ass!"

[Fatboy769]

Subject: Nursing Home Sex


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.




Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.




One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.




After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"




She asks, "What?"




"Sex!!" he replies.




Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"




"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."




Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.




Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.




She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!




Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that

I don't have?"




Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Fatboy769]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[I.B. Washincars]

There is a story of an American Tourist landing in Ireland. A local approached him with a skull and said it was the original skull of an ancient Irish King and he would sell if for a few hundred dollars. The American purchased the skull. A year later the same American landed at the same airport and again was approched by the same guy with another skull but smaller. Again he said it was the skull of the same King. The American tourist reminded him he purchased a larger skull the year before and the salesman stated, AH yes, but this is from when he was a boy.

[pitzerwm]

Check it out: http://www.flixxy.com/aerocar-flying-car.htm

[Fatboy769]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[helpfuljames]

A koala bear is walking down the street of the big city and is stopped by an attractive woman.

She says, "Hey, do you want some company....?" The koala bear thinks about it and says, "sure". After some time, she suggests, "Do you want to have sex?". The koala
bear says, "sure".

Well, she leads them to a hotel and they get a room.....

After the sex, the koala bear gets up and is about leave and she says, "You know what I am don't you?" The koala bear says, "no."
She says,"I am a hooker." The bears says, "yeah, so..."

She asks, "Don't you know what a hooker is" and the bear replies, "no." Well, the hooker reaches into her handbag and pulls out a dictionary (they all carry them). She says, "See.... right here, 'a hooker is one who has sex for money'".

The bear says, "well that's interesting....let's look up koala bear. It says, 'a furry animal that eats bush and leaves'...See ya!"

[Fatboy769]

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and
make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let a young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

[rph9168]

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.

"No way ! No needles ! I hate needles !" the patient shouted.

So the dentist started to hook up the laughing gas, and again the man objected.

"I can't do the gas thing ! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me !"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

"No," the patient said, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Okay, let me get you a Viagra tablet then."

The patient responded, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth !"

[Fatboy769]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Fatboy769]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terribl e, doc tor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm,
he sent me cups and tab lecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the
sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again!"

[Fatboy769]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[pitzerwm]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[pitzerwm]

http://www.upchucky.net/flash-fun/smart-bird.html

[rph9168]

The Husband Store :

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1
- These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2
- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework , and have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6
- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a

New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have a lot of money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited
________________________________________

[Fatboy769]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[pitzerwm]

What is the real answer?

[pitzerwm]

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : You gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She kept interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

[I.B. Washincars]

What is the real answer?

Evidently Doug doesn't know or he would have chimed in by now.:D

[Fatboy769]

What is the real answer?

Bill, if I was guessing, I would have to say because they are more blood vessels in the head. I'm NO doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!

[Fatboy769]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

[Fatboy769]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

[pitzerwm]

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

[Fatboy769]

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.

[Keith Baker]

I backed out of a parking stall the other day and ran into another car. When I got out to look, the other car was full of dwarves, including the driver.

I explained to them that it was my fault and I had insurance, but the driver just kept getting angrier and angrier.

At one point he yelled "I'M NOT HAPPY". I looked at him and asked him "Well which one are you then?"

The conversation went down hill from there....

.................................................. ..........

Keep smiling:
Keith

[Fatboy769]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'

[pitzerwm]

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.
http://forum.autocareforum.net/images/misc/sitdown.jpg

[Fatboy769]

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area." He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

[pitzerwm]

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

[pitzerwm]

Blonde caller: "Can you give me the phone number of Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry. I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide. it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning."
Now, can you give me Jack's telephone number?"

[Fatboy769]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said
"Take a sweater."

[pitzerwm]

Stupid, but funny

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

[Fatboy769]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

[phred113]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing her suitcase. He asks her, "Where are you going?"

"I just found out I can get $400.00 in New York for doing what I have been doing with for free all these years", she answers.

He pulls out his suitcase and starts packing, too. She asks, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I'm going to New York to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

[pitzerwm]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you!!

[phred113]

A man goes bear hunting and while sitting in his hunting spot sees a bear amble over the hill in the distance. He takes aim with his rifle and fires. Bam! There is a cloud of dust and debris. He runs over and looks for the dead bear. Nothing. The he feels a tap on his shoulder and it's the bear. The bear bends him over a fallen log and sodomizes the hunter, and leaps him a heap.

The next day the hunter returns quite upset and with a larger gun. He sees the same bear coming over the same hill in the distance. He takes aim and fires. Ka-bam!! More dirt and debris goes flying. The hunter races over to the spot and finds nothing. Then, he feels a tap on his shoulder and it's the bear again! The bear bends him over the same log and repeats the act leaving the hunter in a heap.

The very next day the hunter returns with a very large gun. He sees the bear sauntering over the hill and takes aim. KA-BOOM!!! Small trees have been displaced from the shot. The hunter runs to the site of the small crater and looks. NOTHING! Then he feels a tap on this shoulder. The bear looks at him and says, "you're not in this for the hunt are you?"

[rph9168]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise"!
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[rph9168]

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed!

"Good," she replied... "Get your own damn blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

[Fatboy769]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsnbeer"

[Dean Taylor]

A fellow is sitting in the exam room at his doctor's office waiting for the doctor. The doctor finally walks in and "says, I'm sorry, but you are going to have to stop masterbating" The fellow says "Why?" The Doctor says "so I can examine you"

[rph9168]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[Fatboy769]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

[rph9168]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming..... Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Keith Baker]

A woman and her 10 year old daughter were riding in a cab in New York. Looking out of the window the young girl spotted a group of prostitutes. When she asked her mom about them, the mom changed the subject without answering her.

The cab driver looks over his shoulder and says "Aw, come on now, lady. Isn't it time you told the girl about the facts of life?

Reluctantly, the mother tells her daughter why the women were standing on the street corner, and the other facts about reproduction. When she finished, the daughter asked "Well what happens to the babies if one of those women get pregnant?"

The mom glares into the front seat of the cab and says "The grow up to be cab drivers"

[Fatboy769]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[Fatboy769]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Fatboy769]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Fatboy769]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

[MEP001]

I was once in the middle of an escalator when the power went out - I was trapped for three hours.

[helpfuljames]

A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "You can stay...but don't start nothing!"

A minister, priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What...is this a joke?"

A husband stops suddenly while making love to his wife and says, "I'm sorry...did I hurt you?"
She responds, "No. Why did you ask?"
He says, "Because you moved....."

[MEP001]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...

[Jim L.]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that
I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[pitzerwm]

I hope that was true, Jim

[Fatboy769]

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[Fatboy769]

FOR HUSBANDS WHO PREFER YOUNGER WOMEN:

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife
and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain
needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before
midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
at our local college. I w ould like to inform you
that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also
the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and
like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of math, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home
until sometime tomorrow."

[pitzerwm]

Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every Holiday .
http://forum.autocareforum.net/images/misc/card.jpg
[/font]

[johnny]

The Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping
to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she
answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

[Fatboy769]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

[rph9168]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, "7 Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally $hits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the #*%! was that?"

The old man says, "Halftime, switch sides."

[Fatboy769]

Five Surgeons
are discussing the types of people they like to operate
on.

The
first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table
because when open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second
responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them
is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think
librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the
head and the a$$
are
interchangeable

[Fatboy769]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[MEP001]

I'd rather have Social Security sex than the IRS sex I get now.

[rph9168]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God,

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. and those a$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes

[Andyjmyr]

A doctor, lawyer, and proctologist were all sitting down talking about their jobs. After a while the subject changed to what kind of cars they drove.

The doctor asks the lawyer, "what kind of car do you drive?" The lawyer responds, "I drive a new Lexus with heated seats and an on board computer to keep up with my cases."

The lawyer then asks the doctor, "well, what do you drive?" The doctor says, "I drive a new mercedes suv, it has many compartments to keep most of my medical equipment."

Then, the doctor looks as the proctologist and says, "what do you drive?" The proctologist looks at the doctor and lawyer and says, "I drive a brown probe. And you don't want to know what comes with it."

:eek::cool::rolleyes::D:p

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[pitzerwm]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.


A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,


they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to


fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of


the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why


don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking


sound is driving me crazy.'


The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR


stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course 6

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
-
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
-
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
-
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

[phred113]

A man sits down next to another guy on an airplane. He says, " I am so embarrassed."
The other guy asks, "Why?"
He says, "I was so taken back by that large breasted ticket agent that I told her I wanted two pickets to Titsburgh." He then asked the other guy, "Have you ever done that - said something when you meant to say something else?"
The other guy just chuckled and said, "Well, yes. Just this morning I said to my wife please pass the corn flakes when I really meant to say - 'you ruined my life you rotten bitch!'"

[rph9168]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course 4

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
-
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[rph9168]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a
square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[rph9168]

Subject: Xmas Price Check
Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2007 16:18:13 +0000

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "accident" and prays that a sale person does not show up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman, standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the saleman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price."

[Fatboy769]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.
'Didn't my idea work?'
'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.
So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.
'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'

[pitzerwm]

A blonde calls her boyfriend.

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .....let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Dean Taylor]

Did you hear Monica Lewinski has decided to vote Republican this year? Yea, she says the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. (From Jay Leno on the Tonight Show)

[Dean Taylor]

There was a blond that called her boyfriend and was very ecstatic....."I finished my new puzzle in 3 weeks!" she exclaims. He replies, "what's so great about that?" She says, "the box says 2 to 4 Years!"

[Fatboy769]

The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation.
His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says:
"TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, that has GOT TO GO!!

[Keith Baker]

The young farm boy was wandering through the barnyard, feeling mischievous one morning. First he ran through the hen house and scared all of the chickens. Then he went into the barn and snuck up behind the cow and frightened her. After that he went to the pig pen and opened the gate and the pig took off running.
When he went in for breakfast, his mom put a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. After he complained, she explained: "You frightened the chickens, so you won't get eggs for a week. Then you scared the cow, and I know you won't get any milk for at least a month. And you also let the pig run free. If he doesn't come back, you will never get any bacon or ham again."
Just then his dad comes in and accidentally steps on the cat's tail. The boy looks up at his mom and says "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

[Fatboy769]

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural T exas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

[Jim L.]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it -just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Fatboy769]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his a$$."

[rph9168]

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! "You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! "Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Jim L.]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," the boy replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions..."
"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions..."
"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

[pitzerwm]

http://www.koreus.com:80/video/chien-danseur.html (http://www.koreus.com/video/chien-danseur.html)

[rph9168]

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service for his wife had terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied
by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

[Fatboy769]

Choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a politician!'

[phred113]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.



One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with I/V's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.


The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start".

[pitzerwm]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[rph9168]

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

[phred113]

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

That was totally unnecessary.....'where's Kenny?' or more to the point "Where's Vince?".

[jcedwards]

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.


A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our government

is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain...

let's take a look at New Orleans ...

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.




Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu (D)

is presently asking Congress for

250 BILLION DOLLARS

to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...

what does it mean?

A.

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or... if you are a family of four...

your family gets $2,066,012.


Washington, D. C



< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??


Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world...

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to

press '1'

for English.

What the heck happened?????

[pitzerwm]

Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History:Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. ''Very good!''

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863''
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed." Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,' "Who said that?" she demanded.Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you. 'Chandrasekhar Frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f*cked!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

[Joe Law]

There was a cucumber, a pickle & a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber said ?man my life sucks, when I get big, fat & juicy, they cut me up & put me on a salad.? The pickle looks at him & says ?you think you got it tough, when I get big, fat & juicy they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me & stick me in a jar.? The penis looks at him & says ?oh you think you got it bad, when I get big, fat & juicy, they stick a rubber strap on my head, stick me in a dark room & bang my head against the wall until I throw up & pass out.?

[rph9168]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd sure like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[MEP001]

That joke is so old, the first time I heard it the pilot was in a biplane. :)

[rph9168]

You must be older than me which makes you ancient.

[Fatboy769]

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs..

[rph9168]

So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine,the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us -
and I asked Catherine - ?If you were President what would be the first
thing you would do??

Catherine replied - ?I would give houses to all the homeless people.?

?Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.? I told her, ?You
don?t have to wait until you?re President to help the homeless, you can
come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and
I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to
use for a new house.?

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her
mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, ?Why doesn?t the
homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay
him the $5 dollars??

And I said, ?Welcome to the Republican Party?

[pitzerwm]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[pitzerwm]

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

[pitzerwm]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[rph9168]

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth Wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and
color dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate
for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it
or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time
bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he
died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into
such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had
hat wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

[rph9168]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
'But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96 ' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I
don't **** on my slippers.'

[pitzerwm]

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz h a d the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr . Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

[johnny]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
> >> expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> >>
> >> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
> >> the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
> >> black suit he is already wearing.
> >>
> >> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
> >> best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
> >> blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
> >> but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> >>
> >> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
> >> her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
> >> the suit fits him perfectly.
> >>
> >> She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
> >> did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To
> >> her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c
> >> heck.
> >>
> >> 'There's no charge,' she says.
> >>
> >> 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
> >> suit!' she says.
> >>
> >> 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
> >> deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
> >> after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
> >> asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit
> >> instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
> >>
> >> 'So I just switched the heads.'

[johnny]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

[johnny]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging

her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

[johnny]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .

[johnny]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy

with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[helpfuljames]

Vet School



First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first

anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a

white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In

Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a

doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving

the animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his

finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow

and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The

second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle

finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's

tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[Jim L.]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:

You may be a Taliban if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt after a crap with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs or IEDS.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three. 11. You bath monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbors' goat.

[Fatboy769]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."

[rph9168]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

[MEP001]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case, or their money, if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, who were having similar troubles, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

[johnny]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Awesome Senior Moment


Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country.

If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'

[rph9168]

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

[Fatboy769]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

"About a gallon."

[Fatboy769]

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.



Also, If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Oprah Winfrey" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Pat Crowe.

[pitzerwm]

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Use IE for some reason

[Fatboy769]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

[Fatboy769]

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

[rph9168]

Sunday Paper . . . . . .

For all of us who are --- seniors ---
For all of you who know --- seniors ---
And for all of you who --- will be seniors ---

'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not yet arrived.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow... On Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter, 'Well, sh#t .... So that's why no one was at church today.'

[pitzerwm]

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[Fatboy769]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"

"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"

Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"

"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"

[johnny]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'


Bloody women................ they think of everything!!!!

[rph9168]

A husband and wife were shopping in Wal-Mart when the man picked up a case of Budweiser and put them into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?' asked his wife.

'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he said.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' said the wife, and they continued shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picked up a $30 jar of face cream and placed it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asked the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she said.

The man replied, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price!

[johnny]

after watching the news this morning
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[rph9168]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk toher, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

[rph9168]

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2 009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the home less guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it Oh well.

[rph9168]

Sooooooo, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.' 'Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Fatboy769]

A man seeking to join the Bloomfield, New Jersey's Sheriff's Office
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[I.B. Washincars]

A pastor in Las Vegas asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say ?

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[rph9168]

An old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month & I fart 15 times a day."

[johnny]

last night i told my wife i was going to make her the happiest woman in the world
she said she was goin to miss me

[Sequoia]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up..'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[Waxman]

Q:What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A: About 30 lbs.!!!!!!


Whoa!!!!!!

[rph9168]

What is the difference between a fox and a dog?

About three drinks!

[rph9168]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.

[Keith Baker]

From my 9 year old grandson:

Question: What's the difference between sliced ham and pea soup?

Answer: Nearly everyone can slice ham, but not many people can "pea soup".

[johnny]

Two good ol' boys in a West Virginia trailer park were sitting around talking

one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy says to the

2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to

your wife while you was off huntin and she got pregnant and had a baby,

would that make us kin?"



The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his

head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make

us even."

[rph9168]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[rph9168]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. she proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[johnny]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we would both still be alive.

[ted mcmeekin]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

Ted

[rph9168]

Fred and Larry get married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[MikeV]

Only in Texas...two Texans fishing off the pier in Galveston, drinking their beer and talking. After a few hours of fishing and drinking, nature takes its course and they have to take a wiz. After seeing that no one else was around they whip out their tools and hang them over the pier and do their thing. One syas to the other, "Man, the water is cold today." The other one says, "Yeah, deep too".

[Dean Taylor]

Obama was recently delivering a speech on gun control at an elementery school. As he walked onto the stage, he was clapping his hands together about every 5 seconds.

After about 10 claps, he then opens his speech saying " Everytime I clap my hands, a child is shot with a gun!"

Little Johnny then stands up abruptly and yells " Well STOP clapping your hands dumbass!"

[IBFLYIN]

It was said that there would not be a black man as President of the United States until pigs flew. Well, one hundred days into Barack Obama's presidency, swine flu.

[pitzerwm]

On You Tube, there is black preacher reminding you that Obama isn't really black, that his mother was just a slut that slept with black guys.

[Waxman]

ouch. that cuts deep.

[phred113]

Teacher: Three crows are sitting on a fence rail, The farmer shoots one, how many are left?

Johnny: None

Teacher: How did you come up with that answer?

Johnny: Well the noise from the gun would have scared away the other 2 crows.

Teacher: The correct answer is two, But I like the way you're thinking.

Johnny: I got one for you. There are three women sitting on a park bench, they all have lollipops, one is licking her lollipop, one is biting her lollipop and one is sucking her lollipop, which one is married? (Teacher is young and only been married a year)

Teacher: ( Blushing)The one thats Sucking her lollipop.

Johnny: Nah. It would be the one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking.:cool:

[Dean Taylor]

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.... After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[pitzerwm]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'

[pitzerwm]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

[rph9168]

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

[pitzerwm]

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story... "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

[I.B. Washincars]

"How many legs does a dog have, if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

-- Abraham Lincoln

[rph9168]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,

'I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[rph9168]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or
are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."


"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk
to me about my student let's take a moment to test
what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let! 's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell
me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."


"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something
bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to
be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

[IBFLYIN]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[cebo]

How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.

[rph9168]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Waxman]

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

[Dean Taylor]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard; let's see how THEY like it!"

[ted mcmeekin]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS




Dear Steve,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila





Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line including the fuel filter. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.



I hope this helps,
Steve

[Waxman]

If a tennis player gets tennis elbow and a squash player gets squash knee, what does a gynecologist get?



Tunnel Vision!

nyuk nyuk nyuk

[MEP001]

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

[rph9168]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[MEP001]

Don't they make a little blue pill that cures a limp duck?

[ted mcmeekin]

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?


He gets taller.

[rph9168]

Now I know a couple of my more left-leaning friends are going to take these far too serious. How soon they forget their chuckles & snickers during the era of George 43 and even Ronald, 'the great communicator' ! - C:>)

A Dozen Barack Obama Jokes:
He has what it takes, to take what you've got !

(1). Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His supporters don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

(2). Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

(3). Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

(4). Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

(5). Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

(7). Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is full of tax evaders, blackmailers & threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

(8). Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The large pizza can feed a family of four.

(9). Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.

(10). Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

(11). Q: Do you know Barack Obama's new campaign slogan?
A: "Yes we can !" is now "Yes you will !"

(12). Q: What is the 'new' General Motors convertible called and why does no on want to buy one?
A: The Pelosi; and its Gawd Ugly, especially with its top down !

The liberals are now requesting that we give Obama time. Personally, I'm wondering if... 25 to life would be appropriate? - C:>)

[Dean Taylor]

A man walked into an lawyer's office and asked about his rates. The Lawyer answered "$50 for three questions." The man replies "isn't that a bit steep?" Yes, replied the Lawyer, and what was your third question?"

[rph9168]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such An efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing Is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room and says,"Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice-presidential choice the same question "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me."

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer To that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No!, you idiot! . . .it's Tony Blair!"

[pitzerwm]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Dirt]

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town.


The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are
tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town.


He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his
debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his
debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has
had to offer her services on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the
$100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the
future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States
Government is conducting business today.

[Dirt]

Jamaican Math Test



A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a

little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,

represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw

three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same

rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that

he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to

represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and

dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this

Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but

represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again

and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One

hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that

represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree

and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got

dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,

which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

[Dirt]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:



'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when

accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'



*******************************



MALE PROCEDURE:





1. Drive up to the cash machine.



2. Put down your car window.



3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.



4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.



5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.



6. Put window up.



7. Drive off.



*******************************

( continued )

[Dirt]

FEMALE PROCEDURE:





1. Drive up to cash machine.



2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.



3. Set hand brake, put the window down.



4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.



5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.



6. Attempt to insert card into machine.



7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the

car.



8. Insert card.



9. Re-insert card the right way.



10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.



11. Enter PIN.



12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.



13. Enter amount of cash required.



14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.



15. Retrieve cash and receipt.



16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.



17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.



18. Re-check makeup.



19. Drive forward 2 feet.



20. Reverse back to cash machine.



21.. Retrieve card.



22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!



23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.



24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.



25. Redial person on cell phone.



26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.



27. Release hand brake.

[rph9168]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[Fatboy769]

Funeral For a Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

[rph9168]

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed a little flask of whiskey out of my back pocket and poured a little bit in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[I.B. Washincars]

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked me, “Can you afford fries with that?”

3. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

4. If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient Funds” you have to call and ask if they meant you or them.

5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM

6. McDonalds is selling a ¼ ouncer.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and had to learn their own children’s names.

8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Canada.

9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

11. The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

13. Congress says that they are looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal. Oh, Great! The guy who made $50Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

and finally …..

14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, my retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!

[Waxman]

Check out Mitch Hedberg on youtube. I find him very funny.

[Jim L.]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing ‘Go Sarah’ shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat..

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. " He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[Jim L.]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, after much thought I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[johnny]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[pitzerwm]

An older gentleman who had had a prostate operation years before had an appointment to see the urologist in Englewood Florida who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.






In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man... He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'





The room erupted in applause!

[rph9168]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

[rph9168]

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Dean Taylor]

A guy takes his wife fishing of the New England Coast. They get into a storm and she falls overboard. After hours of looking, he was unable to find her so he finally calls the Coast Guard and makes for home.

The next day a Coast Guard officer shows up at his house. He says " I'm sorry sir, I have bad news. But I also have good news and great news."

"OK, Lay the bad news on me." the man says. The officer proceeds to tell him they found his wife and unfortunately she had drowned and had sunk.

"OK, what's the good news?" he asks. "Well, when we pulled her up, there were 14 live Maine lobsters and 22 snow crabs clinging to her." The man replies, "Wow, that is pretty good news."

"So what's the great news?" he asks. The officer replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

[MEP001]

A guy takes his wife fishing
Who takes his wife fishing?

[Waxman]

Guess what I am thinking. :DRhymes with 'Deadliest Catch'.:D

[rph9168]

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall

and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed

and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.



After their surveying was completed, they came back to

Ole and said, "you were so kind to us, we wanted to

give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."



Ole replied, "What's the bad news ?



The surveyors stated, "Well, after surveying, we discovered

your farm is not in Minnesota , but is actually in North Dakota!"



Ole said "That's the best news I've had in a long time. I was

just telling Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another

winter in Minnesota ."

[rph9168]

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven
and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope

"No problem" repliedTiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late"

[rph9168]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[rph9168]

Barry took his blonde girlfriend, Janet, to herfirst football game. They had great seats right behind theirteam's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were about killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Barry asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.”

[rph9168]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[rph9168]

One winter morning in Syracuse a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through... So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[I.B. Washincars]

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you need one to skydive twice.

[MEP001]

Parachute for sale. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[rph9168]

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll **** on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another long line."

[I.B. Washincars]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be your sport.

[Dean Taylor]

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend's butt is too big?

A: When she can't fit into your wife's pants.

[Happycarz in AZ]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

and

3. Being screwed by a Lawyer





The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

and

3. Being screwed by a Lawyer

[Dean Taylor]

For Sale:
Yamaha YZF-R6F, Crotch Rocket Motorcycle
Very fast! Very Fun! Only ridden once, from the dealer to home!
2 days old, Very low miles, like new!
Loving Wife Forces Sale
Evidently, I didn't understand what "Do whatever the F*** you want" really means.
Call for appointment

[cantbreak80]

The rancher’s ad for “horse for sale” was responded to by a rather short-in-stature gentleman who suffered from a speech impediment.

“I…I…I’d like t…t...to thee your hor…hor…horth,” the man stated.

They approached the corral and the buyer examined the horse’s legs and underbelly. After a few moments he turned to the rancher and asked, “Ca…Ca…Can you pick me up so I can th…th…thee the hor…hor…horth’s eyeths?”

The rancher complies.

After several minutes the buyer thanks the rancher. He walks around the horse again and asks, “Ca…ca…Can you pick me up so I ca…ca…can th..th..thee the horth’s theeth?”

Again, the rancher complies and again the buyer takes his time examining the animal’s teeth.

The process is repeated once more as the buyer asks, “Ca…ca…can I check th…th…the horth’s earths?”

Aggravated, the rancher once more picks up the little fellow so he can get a close look at the horse’s ears.

After several more minutes of walking around the horse, the little guy asks the frustrated rancher, “Ca..ca…can I th…th…thee the horth twott?”

Angrily, the rancher grabs the midget and stuffs his head into the horse’s vagina. After a few moments he sets the fellow back on his feet.

“Pfuff, fluff…” the little guy sputtered, shaking his head and wiping the horse’s fluid’s from his face.

He looks up at the rancher and restates his request…

“Ca…ca…can I th…th…thee the horth ru..ru..RUN?”

[rph9168]

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he wil l wag his tail. What wil l a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[rph9168]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****

[rph9168]

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the Kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks..

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

[I.B. Washincars]

I just laughed my a$$ off at MSNBC news. They were doing a segment on new money and the cosmetic changes to the portraits over the years. The guest was a plastic surgeon from NY. He was pointing out the changes to Andrew Jackson. When he got to the hair he meant to say that it looked like he had gotten a nice blow DRY, but instead used the word JOB. I'll have to hand it to him and the host, they held their composure quite well. I can't say the same for myself. I'm sure we will see this clip on many comedy shows in the near future.

[Waxman]

Q: What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.:D

[MEP001]

What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehova's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

[rph9168]

Reminds me of Dial-A Prayer for atheists. You dial the number and no one answers.

[rph9168]

This is a funny bit done recently on Saturday Night Live. Don't think the people at CBS are laughing too hard at it. Humorous even if you aren't a golfer.

http://www.hulu.com/collections/424/141555%3E

[rph9168]

When I was a little boy I prayed to God for a new bike but didn't get one. I realized God didn't work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

[rph9168]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years and have had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."